I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
