I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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