'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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