why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
