When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If I die, sorry about rent.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
