I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I touched a dick in church today
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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