if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
