please come you make the beer taste better
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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