You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
