Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
