i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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