tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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