i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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