I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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