I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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