i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
