I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
