was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
