i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
