I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
