I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
