I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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