I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
