Pants 0. Shit 1.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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