My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
please come you make the beer taste better
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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