my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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