well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
