we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
