no, he came in my armpit
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
