She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
