I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
