Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How's work?
Spinning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
