I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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