I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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