I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
