are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
