My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
