U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
