i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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