the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
