You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
