too bad you live with your parents still
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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