i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
