Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
