"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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