I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
my phone needs a breathalizer
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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