I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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