I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
