WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
