is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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