You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
