I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
