I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
