my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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