ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
