I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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