So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
